


Out of Sorts

by Kessya



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: One Shot, Other, Sentient Hat, no relationships - Freeform, the Hat still doesn't have a name
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 18:27:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14431524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kessya/pseuds/Kessya
Summary: The Sorting Hat gets a headache and arranges for a much needed vacation.(Or 11 yr olds think they know best and the Hat takes out his annoyance on Dumbledore)





	Out of Sorts

**Author's Note:**

> I wish to state I realize the Hat's words to Harry (and Harry's to the Hat) are inaccurate. I didn't have book one in front of me when I was writing this and based the conversation off of my memory of both book and movie, then tweaked it to fit the Hat's emotions. Please don't hate me too much for that.
> 
> This started as a what-if the kids all tried to convince the Hat to put them in different Houses, the ones they thought the belonged in. That then shifted slightly to wondering how the Hat would feel if a bunch of 11 yr olds started to tell him how to do his job and kinda just grew to whatever this is. I hope you enjoy.
> 
> As per usual: the characters and world of Harry Potter are not mine.
> 
> Text Key:
> 
> Italics = the Hat's thoughts/words  
> ~Text~ = Hermione's thoughts  
> *Text* = Neville's thoughts  
> {Text} = Draco's thoughts  
> [Text] = Harry's thoughts
> 
> Everything else should be pretty self-evident but if there's confusion please let me know and I'll try to clear it up.

Annoyed. The Sorting Hat was annoyed. Never before had a Sorting left him feeling so tired, confused, and grumpy, let alone  _old. Precocious kids; they think they know everything_ , he thought.  _If eleven year olds could_ actually  _see their future potential there would be no need for me. Telling me where they should be placed, hah!_

 

The Sorting had started out fine, the Hat looking forward to his annual exposure to new witches and wizards. He enjoyed placing the children in their respective Houses and when he got a particularly difficult one took pleasure in the challenge of figuring out which House would be best for them. What he did not appreciate however, was being told where he should place a child, especially by the child themselves. And this year there were  _four_. Four that had the nerve to tell him where he should place them, as if he didn't hold the wisdom and discernment that came with having lived for centuries.

 

It had all started when Minerva called, "Granger, Hermione." The little bushy haired girl had proceeded to step up to the stool where the Hat was placed, sit down, and let the Hat be placed on her head so he could begin to Sort her.

 

As the Hat sorted through the data he was collecting from Hermione's head he began to muse aloud about his findings, something he did for every child as a form of reassurance that they were indeed being Sorted.  _Deep curiosity and a love of books- you have the makings of a fine Ravenclaw, my dear._ Contentment rolled throughout the girl and the Hat held back a chuckle. Then he came across another of Hermione's memories.  _Ah, hm, what have we here? I see, yes. A fiery spirit and a recklessness to get the answers you want, paired with a bravery to stand up for those misaligned; that is very Gryffindor of you. Now where to put you...?_

 

~Ravenclaw. Put me in Ravenclaw.~

 

_Yes, well, you see-_

 

~Put me in Ravenclaw.~

 

_Why this focus on Ravenclaw?_

 

~If I'm in Ravenclaw I'll be surrounded by like-minded peers who will take studying seriously and will understand my desire to learn. I don't think those in Gryffindor will understand my passion for learning quite as much as those in Ravenclaw. Besides, think of all the access to research I'll have.~

 

_I think you are misunderstanding something. Just because Ravenclaw favors those who pursue knowledge does not mean you'll have access to research the other students won't. And this...thirst for knowledge of yours, which leads you to question why things are they way they are, to fight to correct the injustices around you, is precisely why you ought to be in Gryffindor._

 

~...Fine. But I still think I belong in Ravenclaw. You can be smart and wise and pursue a path in justice.~

 

The Hat sighed.  _Your objection is noted._ Then shouting to the whole room, he proclaimed:  _GRYFFINDOR!_

 

Hermione jumped off the stool, disappointed in the Hat's decision but proceeded to make her way over to the red and gold table smiling nonetheless. She would make sure to do her best for her House, to be both wise and brave. 

 

The next troublesome name was "Longbottom, Neville". The poor boy, who trembled all the way as he walked up to the Hat, was a tangled mess of thoughts. His gran wanted him to make the family proud, he wanted to be accepted by those around him and prove himself worthy of his parents. The problem? The Hat wanted to put him in Hufflepuff; Neville wanted Gryffindor.

 

_You would be welcomed with wide arms in Hufflepuff and gain many friends._ The Hat tried to reason with Neville. _You wouldn't be under pressure if you made a mistake. Hufflepuff would suit you well. You're a loyal person, Neville and crave friendship. Why do you want Gryffindor?_

 

*Mum and Dad were...but that's not the only reason. Gran also wants...but I need to prove to Gran I'm a worthy wizard, that I'm not useless.*

 

_Well you certainly have determination, I'll give you that. Although, that's another reason you'd fit in well with Hufflepuff. You do have courage in you, to stand up for what you believe is_ _right, but Hufflepuff can guide you as much as Gryffindor. Are you_ sure  _you want Gryffindor?_

 

*Yes.*

 

_Alright then, no going back....GRYFFINDOR!_

 

"Malfoy, Draco" was the next boy to give the Hat trouble and by this point the Hat was starting to get a headache. The boy  _shouldn't_ have been a headache, he gave off the same air of ambition and cunning as his ancestors. He was an instant in for Slytherin but just as the Hat went to say "SLITHERIN" he was cut off by the boy.  _Why me?_ thought the Hat to himself.  _Albus is so going to owe me for this. Maybe I can ask for soothing music and sweets for a month..._

 

_Yes?_ The Hat asked Draco.  _What is it?_

 

{You were about to put me in Slytherin right? I need you to reconsider and put me in Gryffindor.}

 

_Why?_

 

{Well you see, there's this boy, Harry Potter, and he's being Sorted after me.}

 

Draco's thoughts were dripping with disapproval at the name and the Hat couldn't figure out why Draco would want to go into the same House as the boy if he held him in that much disdain. Instead the Hat just waited patiently for an explanation; the one he was given nearly made him laugh.

 

{Based on who he was talking to on the train, _Weasley_ and  _Longbottom_ , I think you'll put him in Gryffindor, which is fine except I need to be his friend and you know Slytherins and Gryffindors never get along.}

 

_You want to be his friend._

 

{ _Need_ to be his friend. It's a bit more complicated than a hat could understand I'm sure, but  _Harry Potter_ is the Boy-Who-Lived. According to my father, Potter will be instrumental in the next war, a good ally, and if not an ally a dangerous opponent. If I secure his friendship it will benefit the Malfoy family greatly and I will have a powerful friend (if he's as powerful as everyone keeps saying but I think his fame for defeating the Dark Lord as a baby is ridiculous). Thus the reason I need to be placed in Gryffindor.}

 

The Hat was silent for a minute as he tried to refrain from laughing yet again. _If I were to place you in any other House besides Slytherin it would be Ravenclaw, not Gryffindor, due to your thirst for_ _knowledge you have lurking behind your ambitions and the wisdom to act when it's appropriate. This plan of yours? It's all ambition and cunning. Your best place is in... SLITHERIN!_

 

Before the Hat was taken off Draco's head the Hat added,  _You would have hated Gryffindor as I'm sure you already know and probably wouldn't have convinced your father with your argument that it was for the best._

 

And then here came "Potter, Harry". This time the Hat was expecting an easy and quick Sort based on Draco's assessment of the boy, but was surprised by the sheer amount of cunning and ambition the boy held. He had his fair share of bravery, recklessness and loyalty but his thoughts also bled with cunning, ambition, and a thirst for revenge tinged with a deep need to prove himself. That temper of his would get him in trouble on more than one occasion the Hat knew. Harry would do well in Slytherin, but no, once again the child disagreed with the Hat. 

 

[Anything other than Slytherin. Not Slytherin. Please not Slytherin.]

 

Again the Hat held back a sigh.  _Not Slytherin? Slytherin could help you on the way to greatness, no doubt about_ _that. And you have a thirst_ (a deep thirst- though the Hat refrained from telling the boy how deep it was)  _to prove yourself. No doubt about it, Slytherin would help you in your quest for-_

 

Harry cut the Hat off by thinking [ANYTHING other than Slytherin!] again.

 

_Quite insistent this one,_ the Hat thought to himself and this time he did sigh.  _No? Well, better be... GRYFFINDOR!_

 

The rest of the Sorting went smoothly, with no more know-it-all children popping up to exacerbate his already huge headache. When the Welcoming Feast had finished, the students dismissed, and Albus had taken him back to the the sanctuary of the Headmaster's office  the Hat projected his complaints to Dumbledore, who could hear him without having to wear him because he was the Headmaster. It was a pretty piece of magic that. Godric had magicked the position once he realized his spell on the Hat had given it a  _personality_ , because he didn't want the Hat to be lonely with no one to talk to over the centuries. That and the Hat had constantly bugged him about it when Godric put him on anyone's head. Not that Godric had bothered to name (or ask for that matter) the Hat, but the Hat didn't mind too much. After all, what is a name (especially for a hat, even a sentient one) in the scheme of time? No one would have remembered it or thought to ask, as evidenced by the fact he  _still_ didn't have a name.

 

_Albus?_ he asked.

 

The wizard reluctantly turned to the Hat, tired from the long day with a pile of paperwork sitting on his desk that needed his immediate attention. He wasn't looking forward to this conversation either, given the Hat had started it with his surname, which always spelled trouble. "Yes?"

 

_I want a vacation._

 

"A vacation? Why?" asked Dumbledore, surprise flitting across his face before he buried it beneath a polite facade.

 

If he had eyes the Hat would have rolled them.  _Yes, a vacation. Tonight's Sorting left me with a massive headache and I need a trip to rejuvenate._

 

"A trip," Dumbledore replied flatly, his eyes losing a bit of their brightness and going hard, calculating. "May I enquire as to where you wish to go? And how you plan to get there without supervision?"

 

The Hat frowned. _Supervision?_

 

"You're a hat. To be more specific you're the  _Sorting Hat_ of Hogwarts. Surely you didn't think people wouldn't find it strange to see you on a vacation instead of this office? Plenty of people know what you look like and besides," his face twisted in annoyance, still trying to wrap his head around the idea, "hats don't take vacations. They're  _hats_."

 

The Hat huffed.  _Well_ this _hat does and it's way past time I get one. I've not had a day off in centuries._

 

Dumbledore looked at the Hat incredulously. "You work once a year! For an hour at most!"

 

_And am stuck in this office for the rest of the time with no books to read, no people to converse with, and no one to appreciate the depth of my wisdom,_ the Hat said flatly.

 

"What am I then?" muttered Dumbledore.

 

_You under-appreciate me, are too busy with running Hogwarts and plotting the Wizarding World's future, and, more importantly, are only one person. I want someone new to talk to. About different cultures and magic, about Quidditch and sports, about random topics. Just something...different._

 

"I see," said Dumbledore flatly. "And how do you propose to go about this...venture?"

 

_Vacation. Call it what it is, Albus. I want you to start by placing me in the classrooms, every single one, for a day each until I am sufficiently satisfied with the student-teacher interactions._

 

"Oh?" Dumbledore asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

_Those interactions are some of the best entertainment in this castle. It's like those muggle soap operas you like to watch when you think no one's looking._

 

"How do you?"

 

_Word gets around and people think I can't hear for some reason._

 

"I feel I must remind you, but you are a  _hat_."

 

_The_ Sorting Hat.

 

"Even so."

 

_Anyways, after that I want to be sent on a  world tour via owl post._

 

"Owl post? That's...actually that might work. Who would we send you to though?"

 

_I was thinking Nicholas Flamel to start, since you have his Stone here and that might be gone before the end of the year._

 

At that Dumbledore glanced sharply at the Hat, trying to figure out what it knew about this upcoming year.

 

_Quirell,_ The Hat supplied before returning to his previous topic.  _Then after Nicholas I can be passed around by trustworthy, secret keeping acquaintances and friends. Hopefully the British Wizarding community has a few connections to the outside world beyond those in Europe._

 

"Where is it you're hoping to go?"

 

_Well, I do plan on touring Europe but after that... Japan. America. Peru. Brazil. Kenya. Egypt. Turkey. Australia. New Zealand. China. Russia. Thailand. Mexico. Anartica._ The Hat paused for a moment before saying,  _Everywhere really._

 

Dumbledore sighed. "I'll see what I can arrange."

 

_Until then would you mind playing my music requests in the office?_

 

"What sort of music requests?"

 

_I have a mental list of all the songs I've heard mentioned through the years that I've never actually heard and I'm curious as to what they sound like, especially considering some of the titles._

 

"...I suppose I can play a few."

 

_Great! Now that that's settled I'll leave you to your work Albus. I'll expect a response within a week as to who has accepted hosting me._

 

Muttering slightly about sentient hats who had too much free time on their hands adding to already full workloads and a growing headache, Dumbledore looked at the clock on his wall. Nearly midnight. Lovely. He sighed, shot a glare at the Hat (who pretended not to see it) and then turned his attention back to his desk and sat down, summoning a cup of tea and a teapot with a flick of his wrist from the kitchens. It was going to be a long night.

 

On his shelf the Hat smirked. Perhaps taking his annoyance out on Albus wasn't the wisest or kindest thing to do but it had helped him relieve much of his built-up stress and left him feeling lighter than he had in years. And he got a  _vacation_ out of it, not to mention his headache had almost disappeared. Finally. He could wait a few weeks before his Grand World Tour and by bugging Albus with random song suggestions not only would he further relieve his boredom but he was willing to bet Albus would be more than glad to hand him off, either to the faculty and staff or to Nicholas Flamel and his network of friends.  _Oh, this is going to be so much fun,_ thought the Hat.  _I can't wait._


End file.
